In last month's Atlantic, in the article "The Confidence Gap" by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, they note the progress that women have made over the years and that women now surpass the number of men in college and receiving graduate degrees. In business, women are showing that they can generate greater profits, yet men still get promoted faster and are paid more. What's up?
According to them, it's an "acute lack of confidence" that leads women to lag behind their male peers. Women don't feel they deserve the promotion, they don't consider themselves the best choice for the key job, they get lucky, or they feel they are faking it. The authors go on to cite a number of interesting points that support their theory: why Hillary is not qualified to be President (story by David Graham), why women don't initiate salary negotiations (Linda Babcock), women's tendency to underestimate their abilities (Dunning-Kruger effect), women's need for perfectionism and fear of taking risks (Olga Khazan). These phenomena can certainly apply to both sexes depending on nature and nurture.
Women tend to take the blame when things go wrong and give credit to the group or circumstance when things go right. Men tend to develop thicker skin as a result of constant bantering as kids and are generally more resilient to criticism as adults. (Did you know that it has been reported in research that for every single criticism a girl receives at school, a boy receives eight?!) Girls aren't getting the feedback since no one wants them to get emotional, and really nice people don't get honest feedback either.
Although the article mentions how women often play multiple roles simultaneously -- mother, daughter, wife, sister, friend, cook, cleaner, boss, PTA volunteer, kids' taxi driver, etc. it doesn't make the connection to another phenomenon that women (and men) experience daily -- decision fatigue. The more choices one has to make throughout the day, the harder the next one becomes for the brain. Eventually the brain rebels and either causes its owner to become reckless and make bad choices (no, don't eat that whole pint of Ben & Jerry's!) or it conserves energy and the person does nothing. Women may defer to others at work or not speak up or counter the argument not because they are not confident, but because they are multi-tasking, making a ton of decisions, and they are exhausted. They pick their battles-- though their victories don't necessarily play out at work. Even when women speak up, their contributions may not be heard because of different linguistic styles and rituals (see Deborah Tannen's "The Power of Talk, Who Gets Heard and Why.")
The good news is that we can work on building confidence (and this certainly applies to both men and women). We show confidence through strong body language, low and relaxed voice, and speaking early and often.
Social psychologist Amy Cuddy says "our bodies can change our minds, our minds can change our behavior and our behavior can change the outcomes."
She also says "Little tweaks can lead to big changes" See her awesome lecture at TED:
Sample Power Poses
In addition, our leaders need to show that they value diversity in the workplace -- not everyone has to be like them (mini-me). They need to consciously listen (think WAIT-- Why Am I Talking?) and build sufficient pauses into conversation to give everyone the opportunity to speak up. Multiple ways to gather input (in person and virtual) will support both extroverts and introverts.
Leaders need to provide feedback that encourages risk taking and 80% solutions. They need to embrace failure as a learning opportunity. Perhaps they can even create jobs where failure is expected and let people experiment and build skills in this "safe zone".
Now, what do we do about decision fatigue?
Pay attention to how your energy gets depleted and save some of that decision making for when you know you should be taking a stand at work! Companies are investing huge amounts in Mindfulness training -- stay tuned for the next blog!
